How to put a skill you've mastered out of necessity to work toward the life you’Ve BEEN LONGING to live.
The Takeaways
Efficiency is a skill you've developed out of necessity, having become exceptionally good at managing life's demands, often without recognizing how automatically you put that skill to work.
Being efficient doesn't automatically create more freedom. Without conscious intention, the time and energy your efficiency makes available are quickly claimed by the next responsibility.
Let how you want to feel guide your choices. Identify the feelings you want more of, then intentionally use your efficiency to embrace opportunities to experience them throughout your day.
Choosing yourself may initially feel uncomfortable. When productivity is second nature, directing your energy toward what you desire can feel unfamiliar, but that discomfort doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice.
Small, intentional choices can significantly alter how you experience your life. As you experience more of what feels good, the desire to keep choosing it grows. This isn't about tolerating unfair demands; it's about reclaiming more of your life while deciding which demands you're willing to keep accommodating.
You've become incredibly efficient. You know how to manage competing priorities, anticipate what's needed, streamline routines, make decisions, and accomplish a remarkable amount in the time available. You can reorganize a crowded day when something unexpected happens, figure out how to get three things done in one trip, and find a workable solution when someone else's dropped responsibility becomes your problem. Much of this happens so automatically that you may barely recognize efficiency as a skill you've developed. It's simply how you've learned to operate.
And for good reason. When you're responsible for a great deal, efficiency becomes a practical necessity. You develop ways of making things work because the alternative is falling behind on responsibilities that matter to you, disappointing people who depend on you, or facing consequences you'd rather avoid. Over time, what began as a resourceful response to life's demands becomes your default way of moving through the world. You've become exceptionally good at figuring out how to fit what needs doing into the time and energy you have available.
But what if that very same skill could serve an entirely different purpose? What if, instead of relying on efficiency primarily to keep up with everything life asks of you, you began intentionally using it to create more room for what you want to experience? Not because your responsibilities have been magically reduced or because you've finally reached the bottom of your to-do list, but because you've decided that enjoying your life deserves the same ingenuity and intention you devote to managing it.
Efficiency: A Skill You've Honed for Keeping Up
When efficiency becomes second nature, it rarely feels like something that creates “extra” anything, because the time or energy it helps you manage is already spoken for. You finish one responsibility and move swiftly to the next, rearrange your schedule to accommodate an unexpected demand, or find a faster way to complete something because several other things still need your attention. There's little occasion to celebrate the time you've conserved when that time was necessary to meet the demands of your day in the first place.
This is why conventional advice about productivity and time management can miss the mark for accomplished women. Becoming better at getting things done doesn't automatically translate into having more freedom to choose what you do. When your responsibilities and expectations consistently exceed your available resources, greater efficiency often means you've found a way to keep up with more of what's being asked of you. The skill is valuable, but the benefits are largely absorbed into maintaining a life that already requires a great deal.
There's another consequence of practicing efficiency this way for years: your attention becomes remarkably well-trained to identify what needs doing next. A little extra time or energy becomes available and you instinctively direct it toward another outstanding demand. You may not make a conscious decision to prioritize that next task but have simply become practiced at using the resources available to keep things moving.
That automatic response is precisely where I want us to focus because it’s where new possibilities that may be outside of your habit or comfort zone lie.
The same efficiency skills you've developed to manage what life requires can also be used to deliberately make room for the life you’re meant to live and what you desire to experience more of.
Using Efficiency Toward Something You Want
Imagine looking at efficiency through a different lense. Instead of focusing on how to accomplish what needs doing, you begin by asking what you'd like to experience more of in your life. What would make your days feel richer, more satisfying, or more like the life you've been longing to live?
This question matters because the goal isn't simply to create more unoccupied time. Without this clarity, you could find yourself with an unexpected afternoon free and still go to bed that night feeling no closer to the experience you want of life.
Without clarity about that feeling, it's easy for familiar obligations to fill the opening before you've considered other more aligned possibilities.
So begin with how you want to feel. Perhaps you've been craving ease after years of operating with a constant sense of urgency. Maybe you want to feel more playful, creative, connected, adventurous, peaceful, or free. Perhaps what you miss most is the feeling of being absorbed in something you love, without simultaneously thinking about what comes next. These aren't goals in the conventional sense of something to accomplish or achieve, they're felt qualities of experience you want to cultivate in the life you're already living.
Once you've identified a feeling you'd like more of, consider what genuinely helps you experience it. If you long for connection, perhaps it's an unhurried conversation with someone you find fascinating. If you want more creativity, maybe it's writing, gardening, painting, cooking, or spending time exploring an idea that fascinates you. If freedom is what you crave, perhaps it's filling the time with a spontaneous trip without a predetermined agenda, or following your curiosity somewhere simply because you want to.
What matters is that the activity connects to a feeling you actually want, rather than becoming another thing you believe you should do. A yoga class isn't inherently more nourishing than wandering through a bookstore. A walk isn't necessarily better than a phone call spent laughing with a friend. The question is what supports you in feeling the way you want to feel.
This clarity gives birth to the possibility of your efficiency having a new purpose. You're using this well-practiced skillset to embrace opportunities and experiences you've deliberately decided matter to you, not habitually fitting more into your day.
Infusing The Space You Create with Intention
Here's where things get a lot more interesting!
Once you've identified the feeling you want more of, you can begin applying your familiar efficiency skills with that intention in mind. Perhaps you streamline a routine, batch a few errands, make a decision faster, or find a simpler way to accomplish something you're handling. These are things you already know how to do. The difference is that you're deliberately creating room for an experience you want, rather than simply moving on to filling that space with the next responsibility.
But creating that room is only part of the practice. You also need to become aware of when you've created it and remember what you want to do with it. And this is where I invite you to think much more expansively than setting aside an occasional afternoon for yourself.
Certainly, you might use your efficiency to finish work early enough for a walk, spend an afternoon pursuing a creative interest, or make room for an experience you've been longing to have. Those are wonderful possibilities.
But what if the feeling you want more of became a filter for your choices throughout the day, rather than something you only pursue when you've managed to clear enough space in your calendar?
Imagine you've identified playfulness as a feeling you crave experiencing more often. You finish something ten minutes earlier than expected and instead of automatically reaching for the next task, you recognize it as an opportunity to do something playful. Without conscious awareness, you’re likely to simply move to the next task. Not because you've decided the task matters more, but because moving to the next task is what you've practiced doing. You might put on a song you love and dance around your office, send a ridiculous meme or comedy bit to someone with whom you love to share a laugh, or spend a few minutes doing something random simply because it delights you. If connection is what you're craving, perhaps those same ten minutes become an opportunity for touching base with someone. If you want more peace, you might take your coffee outside and enjoy a few moments staring at the leaves without asking anything of yourself.
The possibilities are as individual as the feelings you're seeking. And they don't require large blocks of time, elaborate plans, or another activity added to your calendar. What they require is the intention to notice opportunities as they arise and consciously direct some of your available headspace, time and energy toward what you've decided you want more of.
This is a fundamentally different way to use your efficiency. Rather than experiencing its benefits through traditional accomplishment, you experience them through how you feel as you move throughout your life.
When Choosing What You Want Feels Unproductive
Of course, this may sound easier than it feels in practice. For a woman whose reward for getting things done has so often been more to do, using even a few available minutes for something that doesn't accomplish a conventional task can bring up unexpected resistance. You may recognize a perfectly good opportunity to enjoy yourself, immediately become aware of several other things you could be doing instead and wonder whether it’s worth your while to focus on how you want to feel. The dishwasher could be emptied, another email answered, tomorrow's schedule reviewed. Yes, those responsibilities are real, and taking care of them may offer a familiar sense of relief or accomplishment. But what about the bigger picture? What about the satisfaction you experience in your life overall?
That's precisely why the distinction between habitual and intentional efficiency matters. Your attention has likely become so well-trained to identify what needs doing next that moving toward another responsibility feels like the obvious choice. Choosing something that supports how you want to feel may in the moment seem less productive, particularly when there's still plenty that needs your attention. And when you've spent years associating productivity with responsibility, achievement, approval, or even safety, that choice can feel uncomfortable in ways that seem disproportionate to the few minutes involved.
BUT discomfort may simply mean you're doing something unfamiliar with resources you've become accustomed to directing elsewhere. This is important! You can recognize that other tasks remain unfinished, consider whether they genuinely need your attention immediately, and still choose to spend the next few minutes doing something that brings you pleasure, ease, connection, or whatever feeling you've decided to cultivate.
There's a deeper layer worth getting curious about, too. Sometimes the discomfort of choosing yourself reflects old experiences in which being useful, responsible, accommodating, or productive helped you feel safe, valued, or accepted. These patterns often developed for good reasons, and understanding what they once protected you from can make it easier to respond to the feelings that arise without automatically surrendering your choices to them. That may involve courageously turning toward old fears or hurts rather than continuing to organize your behavior around avoiding them.
The invitation isn't to ignore genuine responsibilities or pretend that consequences don't exist. It's to stop assuming that the next available task automatically deserves your attention simply because it's there. You can be mindful of what needs doing while also recognizing that the experience of your own life matters. How you feel as you go about accomplishing those things can shift. And sometimes, choosing that experience will require temporarily tolerating the unfamiliar discomfort. The discomfort may not disappear immediately.
But the more often you choose to experience something you genuinely want, the more firsthand evidence you gather of how worthwhile that choice can be. Eventually, the desire for what awaits on the other side can become more compelling than the discomfort of choosing it.
Let How You Want to Feel Become Your Filter
Here's where this approach can begin to change the texture of your days. When you're clear about how you want to feel, that intention becomes a filter for choices you make throughout the day. Rather than waiting for a designated opportunity to pursue something you want, you begin recognizing possibilities within the ordinary rhythm of your life. You can bring more of a desired feeling into something you're already doing. Maybe you infuse an ordinary chore with playfulness by putting on music you love, or bring greater depth of curiosity and presence to a conversation you were already going to have. The activity won’t necessarily have changed, but the intention and energy you bring to it will alter how it feels.
What's essential is that you're no longer reserving for later the feelings you want or waiting for life to settle down. You're consciously cultivating them within the life you're already living. And as those choices accumulate throughout your day and week, you begin experiencing more of what you've been longing for, rather than continually postponing it for some future version of your life.
Let Experience Become Your Motivator
Something powerful begins to happen when you repeatedly experience the feelings you've intentionally chosen to cultivate. Perhaps a spontaneous exchange with a friend leaves you smiling for the next hour. A few minutes outside helps you return to your responsibilities feeling lighter. Spending time on a creative interest reminds you of a part of yourself that hasn't been getting much attention. None of these experiences needs to be extraordinary to matter. What matters is that you're beginning to experience more of what you've identified as meaningful to you.
That lived experience can become a powerful source of motivation. Instead of an abstract intellectual understanding that your wants and needs deserve consideration, you begin developing a felt familiarity with what happens when you honor them.
You experience how good it feels to laugh, create, connect, explore, or simply enjoy a few moments without the next demand directing your attention. And because you want to experience those feelings again, you have a compelling reason to notice and protect future opportunities.
Over time, it becomes less about convincing yourself to choose differently and more about doing so naturally. I see it with my clients time and again, and still experience it in my own life. The pull toward the next task may still arise, but now it has competition: the anticipation of an experience you've learned brings something valuable into your life. You're developing a new habit of intentionally directing your time and energy toward what you want to feel, supported by the very efficiency skills you've practiced for years.
And as those choices become more familiar, so does the experience of being an active participant in shaping how your life feels.
A Different Return on Your Efficiency investment
I invite you to begin with one feeling you'd like to experience more often. Get specific about what helps you feel that way, including small experiences you could weave into your day. Then become curious about where your efficiency is already at work and where you might use it more intentionally to create room for those experiences. Notice the familiar impulse to move straight to the next responsibility, remember what you've decided matters most to you, and practice making a conscious choice about where your time and energy go.
Sometimes that choice might mean taking a few minutes for yourself. Other times, you’ll bring a different energy to something you're already doing.
Pay attention to how those choices affect you. Do you feel lighter, more connected, more curious, more peaceful, more yourself?
Does that feeling influence how you approach what comes next, the energy you bring to your relationships, how you feel about your life? Those experiences can help you recognize what genuinely nourishes you and strengthen your desire to keep choosing it.
This isn't for the purpose of becoming better at tolerating a life that's asking too much of you. Some demands may need to be questioned, renegotiated, redistributed, or released altogether. In recognizing that the efficiency you've developed to meet life's demands can also serve you in reclaiming more of your own life, you can begin influencing how your days feel without waiting for your circumstances to change, all the while also becoming more intentional about which circumstances you're willing to continue accommodating.
The life you've been longing for may include significant changes. But you don't have to wait for those changes to begin experiencing more of the feelings you want your life to hold.
You've become incredibly efficient at making your life work. Now you can use that same skill to make more of your everyday life feel like the life you've been longing to live.